adam: warrior princess

by sumir on 07/15/2002 20:52:56 -0700

So by now, you've all read about my job, thanks to Adam.  Well, it's only fair that I defend my honor, respond in kind, and talk smack about Adam's job.  But that, my friends, would be way too easy.  You all should know that Adam works for a "major electronics retailer", and making jokes about that is way too easy.

So, instead, I mused, "Why not give Adam a new job?"  With his inept motor skills, complete lack of salival control, random outbursts of "SWAAATHMAAA!!!", and love for strange, hippie causes (like free music), there is only one place Adam could really belong... no, not the electric chair... I meant Hollywood.

"What role would Adam fit in?" you, the gentle, well-meaning, yet slightly dyslexic, reader ask.  Yes, I have no idea what dyslexic means.  Well, I HAVE AN ANSWER.  No, it's not about dyslexia; it's about Adam's acting career.

You see, a little while back, Xena: Warrior Princess was cancelled (the character, apparently, was killed off in the last show in a blaze of glory... reportedly, 87 people tuned in, seven of whom were watching it on two TV's at the same time).  Now the show has been relegated to syndication on the Oxygen channel (famous for not having nothing to do with chemistry and everything to do with "female-oriented" programming, which means continuous reruns of The View).

Well, fans were upset.  They want more Xena (and, really, who can blame them?  Hey, put your hand down).  Seriously, the show had it all - a strong female lead, her lesbian lover/sidekick, swords, magic... lesbian lover/sidekick... yeah.  Obviously, bringing back Xena would be a problem since she was shot full of two or three quivers of arrows by Japanese samurai in the series finale.  And who can match the characteristics that Xena had?  I'll tell you who.

No, it's not Vincent, but good try.

(Can you believe I spent part of my life making THAT?)

And now, bring on the b00b13z:

I think that looks good.  Don't you think that looks good?  I have to admit, Adam has nice legs.  And in typical Xena fashion, the tens of fans will embrace the show thoroughly and create absolutely horrible (and I do mean horrible) websites about the show.  As story editor and all-around badass, I've drawn up a few episode guides for the fanboys (read: this one's for you, Vince).

Episode AWP-C-0004: Nice Fighting U Homo!!! Featuring Snoop Dogg.  The pilot of Adam: Warrior Princess (numbered 4 because it's the smallest number in the world, according to Adam), "Nice Fighting U Homo!!!" kicks off with a bang when we see the Warrior Princess' tragic backstory.  A baby Adam (drooling prodigiously) watches as the raccoons who raised him are killed by evil music industry bastards.  Adam extracts his revenge at the end of the episode, 20 years later, by slaying RIAA President Hillary Rosen, played by Snoop.

Episode AWP-L-1337: Testing Ground Adam faces his greatest danger yet when he takes on this villain from Xena:

'Nuff said.

Episode AWP-N-0031: Baking with Martha Martha prepares a delicious honey-baked pie, discusses which color best complements the color of glass desks, talks about why she didn't engage in inside trading, and caps it off by making her own Tupperware out of human feces. Oh, damn, that's an episode of Martha Stewart Living.  How'd I confuse Adam with Martha?  Oh, right.

Episode AWP-F-0149: 1000 Monkeys Typing on 1000 Typewriters Series finale.  1000 monkeys typing on 1000 typewriters suddenly reproduce Hamlet* and Adam runs into them and manages to trip over their copy of the work and ruin it.  The enraged monkeys, led by Oog! (pictured on the right), murder Adam in cold blood and then dance on his carcass until it resembles Julia Child's face.  Richard Simmons co-stars as an idiot.

* Anachronism?  How about YOU write these things?  It's hard!

Get your dibs on websites.  Last I checked, adamwarriorprincess.com and adamisaretard.com weren't registered.

Okay, now I'll go hide somewhere Adam can't reach me.  Like a straight club.