the customer is always wrong
by adam on 05/01/2002 00:04:13 -0700
- Customer: Cute cat. What's his name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.
Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead. -
- Clerks
Due to the unexpected popularity of the last vocational article I wrote (Rocket-Powered Grenades of Death), I decided that I would write another article relating to my employment. I guess people like to point a finger at me and laugh like they are real life Nelson's. If you don't know who Nelson is, well, then, ha-ha!
Anyway, back to the topic at hand, my job. As many of you know, I'm sure, right now I work in the glamorous world of electronics retail. I am currently employed at a branch of the US's second largest electronics retailer - I won't really specify what company that is for fear of immediate termination or something, but you can probably make a pretty educated guess what business it is. As such, I thought I would write about some of my more unique experiences while on the sales floor.
Right now, I am currently working in the Video Games department of the store, and by itself, it's a pretty cool job. I pretty much get paid to keep up with the latest on video games. I'm the only employee who's allowed to play the interactive video game demos, and I try to exploit this to the fullest. I was actually allowed to take tax write-offs of my video game purchases as work-related expenses for the past year. Sure, there is some work, such as sorting games alphabetically, and repricing the games as needed, but all in all, the job would still be pretty awesome... but there is one problem with all that. The job would be great, wonderful, spectacular, if it weren't for customers.
Sure, you say, what kind of job would retail be if there weren't customers? Logically, it seems to be a fairly sound argument - after all, where would our money come from if not from the naive customers' pockets?
Yes, admittedly this is true, but that doesn't stop me from fantasizing about a world without customers; a world in which I play the videogames all day and get paid for it. Why do I have this aversion for customers, you ask? I will be quick to point out that most customers are fine. Many don't need help, and of those that do, some just ask me to point out where blank CD-Rs are located: that kind of thing. Then I ring up purchases, piece of cake. But a few bad customers can really mess up the entire experience.
So, in a tribute to "Clerks," that prolific work by Kevin Smith, I have decided to give you an overview of some of the problematic customers that enter the store.
(Keep in mind that although the Games department is my "home" department, I also sometimes have to cover other areas such as digital cameras, computer peripherals, cordless phones, and music/movies.)
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Dumbasses: Now, this is probably the broadest and most subjective category. I agree that as employees we are paid to help customers and to basically answer the most rudimentary of questions, and usually I have no problem with that. Sometimes, however, it just tries the patience a little. I guess the most common place this happens is in digital cameras. Some people just don't get the concept that with a digital camera, there is
no film involved. You don't take it somewhere to get it developed, you load it to your computer. Sure you can get a good printout, but that's not usually the main objective of digital cameras. If you don't want to have to view the file on your computer, then don't consider digital cameras! I once showed a customer digital cameras for an hour, explained every single aspect (the difference between aperature and shutter speed, for God's sake!) and when she decided which one she wanted, she asked me what kind of film it took. It's these kinds of
customers that make me absolutely insane. They do appear in other departments, as well, mind you.
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Games/Music/Movies Shoppers: Most of the people who shop around looking for games, music, or movies are the best customers because they either know what they want, or they're just browsing and don't need any assistance. Sometimes, however, they can rank amongst the worst customers.
I will give you several common examples of what customers in these departments might say.
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Silver Spoons: Sometimes the customers have so much money, they don't really have any idea what they should do with it. While amusing, and potentially profitable to the store, they're an example of how too much money can totally mess up a person. Here are some examples:
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The Customer is Probably not Right: It seems that every so often I have to deal with some customers that believe they're right, regardless of any evidence to the contrary. Believe it or not, that old mantra about the customer always being right is usually BS. Sometimes I can simply ignore it with a shrug or something, but sometimes I can't do this. It can result in some kind of funny situations though.
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"Repeat" Customers: That brings me to my next type of customer, the supposed repeat customer. This customer will claim that he's been shopping at the store for years and last week bought a big screen TV. I swear to God, that's been the story with all of them, they can't get more creative than that. All of them supposedly bought a big screen TV
- last week. And why do they tell me this? So they can get a discount on a $50 video game. Yes, this customer that just spent $11,000 in the store wants to get $10 off a game. Give me a break. |
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Negotiators: The next similar point is about customers who want to negotiate with the price of everything. They won't accept no for an answer, and they will usually demand to speak to a manager about getting the price adjusted. These people are usually more
skillful than the "repeat" customer. They often look for deals on open-box items. (Open-box was either a display model or a customer return that's been severely marked down). On open-box items, where the price is more negotiable, they won't walk away until they're sure they have the absolute lowest possible price. |
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Connoisseurs: These people will, regardless of anything else, ask to be shown the "best" product of a certain type we carry. Most often this happens in digital cameras, and whenever I show them the $1100 Olympus or $1000 Sony, they always look for a couple minutes, then ask for something "more in this price range," as they wander over to the sub-$400 cameras. |
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Fleabags: For some reason, at our store, a number of people just have this desire to bring their dogs shopping with them. And for some even stranger reason, we allow it. Worse than that, the dogs are usually ill-behaved. Sometimes the owners just let them wander, and they go into various places in the store, such as behind the front counter. Do you realize how difficult it is to try and sell a CD-RW drive while having a dog sniffing at your crotch? |
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Connected Customers: It is inevitable that in the 21st Century, a number of customers will have cell-phones. This is a fact that I willingly accept, and often it is a good thing. The customer will be yakking away on the cell phone, and come to the register, and we'll make a transaction with neither of us talking to each other. It's a good system. But then there are those customers who will take phone calls right in the middle of my explaining product features: this is fine, I don't care, but what irks me is that some customers expect me to stay and wait for their call and continue helping them. Sorry, but if they take a cell-phone call, I'm off the hook - no pun intended. |
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Naughty Kids at Christmas: A number of customers, for God-knows whatever reasons, decide to open up the packaging of various products we sell and look inside the boxes, take the product out, or even set it up. They know they're not supposed to be doing this, because they always get a look of shame when you approach them, it's great. It really makes me day to walk up to someone opening a product, and say to them, "Oh, did you need any help?" and they'll blush profusely and start stammering. It's great. |
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Shoplifters: It's a sad reality that very often we're faced with shoplifters. Once in awhile, though, it's possible to actually catch them in the act, and this results in some pretty amusing situations. We're not supposed to pretend like we know they're shoplifting, but sometimes it's too easy. It's great to walk up to someone stuffing a video game in his jeans and saying, "Can I ring you up for that game?" You'll just get a blank stare and
an "Um... I guess." |
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Conspiracy Theorists: A number of people just don't trust anything. They include the aforementioned package openers, who need to open boxes to verify that the product is really there. They have to watch when the salesperson bags their product to make sure they get the actual product they bought. They examine their receipt like it's a contract. They refuse to sign the signature capture pad because they don't want the store to electronically retain their signature. These people are kind of pathetic in a sad sort of way. |
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Lunchtime Magnets: Somehow, it always seems that people know when employees are leaving the store for lunch or to go home, because it is always these employees that customers ask for help. Somehow, they know, and while it's probably not their fault, it gets very annoying to miss twenty minutes of lunch to help a customer out. |
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Cordless Death: Almost anyone in the store will tell you that one of the worst places to work is in the Cordless (not wireless) department. Customers agonize for long periods of time trying to decide what features they want in a phone, and usually end up asking for something like "a phone, without caller ID, but with an answering machine, no speaker phone, but I want dual
keypads... and I want it in white." Usually it's impossible to appease cordless customers, and I've pretty much given up trying. |
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Mark: This customer is so legendary, that I've devoted an entire section to him. He's a middle aged male, who came in first around December, with his wife. They were amazed by the power of the "Nuhtendo." (That's Mark-Speak for "Nintendo," if you didn't catch that.) I explained to them how it worked, for about an hour. The wife was really into "Luigi's Mansion," because, as she put it, she is "gifted" and can see spirits. I was trying to just nod and show little emotion during this episode. Mark later bought a Gamecube, along with several games, such as "Star Wars Rogue Leader," and "Mah-Lay." (The latter is really Super Smash Brothers Melee, but Mark cannot pronounce the world "Melee.) Ever since, that, at least once a month, usually more like once every couple weeks, I receive a call from him asking for game tips, like I'm the Nintendo tip-line. I'm usually nice enough to give them to him; I don't really know what else I can do. Lately though, if I see him in the store, I
dart around and eventually get into the breakroom, and even my manager approves these emergency
breaks... he's seen what Mark is like. |
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Celebs!: Well, this article wouldn't be complete unless I included some famous people I've recently seen in the store. For the most part, the celebrities are quite nice, and so they're generally excluded from the negative stereotyping of customers. I just like to talk about all the famous people I see. :) Here's a list off the top of my head: Tom Hanks, Charlie Sheen, Jon Lovitz, AJ from the Backstreet Boys, Tom Bosley, Elizabeth Berkley, Winnie from "The Wonder Years" (no idea what her name is), Zack de la Rocha (former lead singer of Rage Against the Machine), and Gary Coleman. There are more, but these are the ones I could think of. |
Anyway, there you have it, my list of grievances against customers. Like I said, most are okay, but the ones that aren't really make it a pain in the ass.