review of a frenchy

by sumir on 05/07/2002 00:42:04 -0700

There's this guy who hangs out around our apartment and we can't figure out what the hell he's doing here.  Sometimes he brings us crack so we don't mind.  No, not Adam... Adam's too stupid to bring us crack. This guy is just weird.  At first, I thought he was a little... you know... retarded mentally challenged, but I just recently realized something.

This guy is French.

lots

of

space

inserted

here

for

you

to

overcome

your

shock

and

gasp

loudly

Yeah, no shit.  This guy's French.  I mean, we had been calling him "Frenchy" for a few months, but - holy shit! - I just figured it out today.  He's fucking French!  Like... from France!  I think he has a real name, but it's not Jacques, so that threw me off.  All people from France have to be called Jacques.  But this guy... his real name's not Jacques!  What kind of French guy isn't named Jacques?

This is France:

For those of you who don't know Frenchy, this article's for you.  For those of you who DO know him, you know the torture of knowing him so please bear with me.  The world must be warned of his Frenchy-ness.  First of all, this is Frenchy in artistic picture by Adam:

Doesn't seem to be so bad, does he?  Let that be Lesson #1.

Lesson #1: Frenchy may look just like your run-of-the-mill material scientist.  But he's much, much more than that.  Be warned!

Frenchy is known for his Vulcan-like logic and inability to withstand simple pop culture.  For example, he has been known to make statements like:

	"How can Mario jump over three times his own height?"
	"You can't have a negative Fermi energy in this situation"
	"Sumir, you can't hate me if I do your homework for you"
	"Did you notice how the reflection of the car in the far background was anachronistic?"
	"I'm Frenchy"

That brings us to Lesson #2.

Lesson #2: Frenchy will try to confound you with his Frenchy logic.  The only way to avoid this is to be as illogical as possible around him by telling him how much you hate him constantly.

When you use this stratagem, Frenchy will resort to what he thinks is an ace up his sleeve: he will remind you he has a girlfriend and you don't.  At this time, you must use the wisdom of Lesson #3.

Lesson #3: When Frenchy reminds you he has a girlfriend, invent one of your own on the spot.  In fact, invent 31 of them.  Tell him you have one for each day of the month; he'll bring up the fact that some months don't have 31 days.  He's fallen for it now.  Just tell him, "Oh, well some months I don't have time for all of them - that's just how cool I am."

Here's a random flag of France:

After you have schooled Frenchy as mentioned above, he will reveal his true nature and turn into this hideous form:

You have won.  Congratulations.  Now you celebrate with the Sumir-patented Frenchy Dance Remix: