review: the scorpion king
by sumir on 04/25/2002 11:05:44 -0700
If
you know me, you'll know that the closest I get to being white trash is
that I religiously followed wrestling for my last two or three years of
high school. I know more about it than most casual viewers; while I
can't tell you who was in the main event of WrestleMania VII, I can
tell you Stone Cold Steve Austin's real name.
As the apartment's resident white trash (as far as wrestling goes anyway), it is my responsibility to review The Scorpion King, the 2002 prequel to The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. The Rock was first introduced in The Mummy Returns as the Scorpion King, the main villain of the movie. He reprises his role here as the protagonist and hero, in a movie set a few thousand years in the past.
The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) is Matthayus, one of the last of the deadly Akkadians, a tribe of trained warriors. The story is set in a time when the free tribes are being conquered by Mnemnon, the best swordsman in the world. The desperate free tribes hire Matthayus and the last two surviving Akkadians to finish off Mnemnon's sorcerer and cripple his overwhelming influence.
Not
unpredictably, the Akkadians get caught in a trap by a traitor, and
Matthayus watches as Mnemnon slashes his brother's throat. And
surprise, surprise... the sorcerer is actually a sorceress by the
name of Cassandra (played by ultra-hot babe Kelly Hu). Cassandra
tells Mnemnon that he may not slay Matthayus by his own hand or any hand
he controls, so he must leave Matthayus for dead in the middle of the
desert. Again unsurprisingly, Matthayus escapes with the help of the
horse thief Arpid (Grant Heslov). The two re-enter Mnemnon's
stronghold and kidnap Cassandra. A furious Mnemnon sends his forces
to rescue Cassandra, who is a little difficult to handle herself.
Meanwhile, the leader of one of the free tribes, Balthazar, is barely
containing his wrath against the last Akkadian.
Will Mnemnon's forces rescue Cassandra? Will Cassandra cast a spell on Matthayus and waltz away free? Will Arpid serve as comedic relief? Will Balthazar end Matthayus' life in his rage? Who will save the free tribes? Note to self: add other generic questions.
As
I implied in the very first paragraph of this review, I am a sucker for
cheesy action flicks. I grew up on comic books, B-movies, video
games, and junk food. While I enjoy a serious, thought-provoking,
challenging form of entertainment more than a lot of people, I still have
a place in my heart for movies like The Scorpion King. So
let's not make any pretenses here: The Scorpion King has a banal
plot. The acting is, at best, mediocre. It's all about
lightning-quick fight sequences and when there's no fighting, you get to
ogle over Kelly Hu or the Rock (or both, depending on how it is with you).
Like
both previous movies in the series, the mostly (but not always) serious
lead character is complemented by a weaker comedic sidekick. The
Scorpion King's humor is amusing, worth a chuckle - it won't have you
in stitches, but - then - that really isn't what it's all about. The
actors play their characters off fairly. The Rock (and I say this
from personal knowledge) is a little sub-par, with very little
emotion. I know he can do better than the mostly stoic mask he had
on throughout the movie. Matthayus showed one of two basic emotions:
anger or "Oh, fuck, that hurts." Kelly Hu didn't really
have much acting to do. I think the director mostly just told her,
"Go stand over there with one leg slightly in front of the other and
look like the babe you are." Speaking of Kelly Hu, did I
mention she is a babe? I don't know how anyone could wear
those dresses unless they were fucking glued or taped on.
The
action in The Scorpion King is top-notch. While the special
effects are merely adequate, obviously the majority of the movie's time
investment went into blazing-fast fight sequences. From the opening
assault by Matthayus to save his brother to the final shot against Mnemnon,
the only breaks in action are for some needed humor and/or sexual
teasing. I am also an admirer ("fan" is too strong of a
word) of the dusty, Egyptian environment of the series. For some
reason, the setting sits really well with me. I realize this movie
can't hold a candle to the weakest of the Indiana Jones series, but these
past few years haven't given many movies like that, so you have to take
what you get.
Some of you might be wondering why I am not nit-picking this movie apart like I did with Blade II. Well, I can't really explain it, but Blade II just didn't work for me, even though it was probably just as cheesy/action-oriented. This did, so let's just celebrate the mindless sword-swinging, pumphandle-slam delivering, Kelly Hu-ogling goodness this is... if you smell what the Rock is cooking.